I had just turned 25.

The visit with the doctor was brief, and not prepared, I had no questions. All I got out of that afternoon, sitting there on the paper covering the table was "Non-Hodgkins Lymphona." and "We'll have to perform more tests to determine the stage of the disease."

I'm sure my eyes bulged, as would any who hear the C word. Hence the reason I choose not to tell just anyone about the condition. Eyes blank as caskets are mentally selected. Time fast forwards and pauses at the same time.

The next few months I would get the opinion of two oncologists and undergo a series of tests, prodding, pricks, and glowing enemas under CT Scanners... The CT scan is an exercise in breath control while electric fluid courses through your veins. Like jumping in a pool of ice cold water with your innards.

Breathe in... Hold.
One two three four five six seven eight nine ten.

The spinal tap was by far the most physically painful. The test that would reveal involvement of my marrow, an indicator the disease was at it's most advanced.

Release.
Exhale...

Agressive and indolent. A bittersweet pairing, meaning that involvement was significant, however slow growing.

This, the disease that took my Grandmother.

By my third oncologist, I felt confident that my course of action, of treatment, would be met with quizzical expression. "Watch and wait" they call it. We monitor my blood, the growths, and look for symptoms. I get the glowing enema every 6 months and blood taken from my vein. Laying on the bed of the CT scanner, I congure yoga and circular breathing.

... Hold.
One two three four five six seven eight nine ten.

I look out for the symptoms that herald a more aggressive treatment: CHOP therapy. A combination of chemo and radiation.

Any drastic weight loss? Night sweats? Insomnia?

No, I am the same.

Release.

I went through militant holistic dietary changes with supplements that filled my hand with dozens of vitamins at each meal. I grew wary of that lifestyle, and selected the parts that made sense.

Every small choice I make, whether to refrain from caffeine for the meal, or nap at leisure, I deem proactive. It is part of the healing, and if not that - the prolonging.

I came to grips that my body is very excited, and for some reason, just wants to grow in different ways. Other parts of my body feel this is abnormal.

At odds with myself, I tend.

There was no immediate reckoning.

No aha.

Just the knowledge coupled with hope that all this advancement, all this technology, the data - the sheer amounts of data that is not collected or organized... Will be organized.

And with it, answers will be found.